Painting has been sooo ehh!

I have been able to paint but I am still feeling like poop with my renaissance painting. I am unable to show any progress on it because I left it at school. I am hoping to be able to bring it home again on the weekend...somehow. Not sure yet how =( I refuse to drive to school...I did it last Thursday to bring my painting home. I parked outside of my cousin's house and it still was a horrible experience driving to school and back to my house.

The last few days have been stressful with school, I broke out between my eyebrows. Three pimples somehow harbored there...creating a volcanoes Hawaii would be proud of since it now looks like small islands. It is in the process of healing, I feel so embarrassed! Going on...

Contemplating about getting a tattoo on my back. What is frustrating is the idea that my mom would hate me if she found out about it. I will not be able to wear white shirts anymore....I have not really worn any shirts that show my back anyways, so I don't have to worry about that.

Still not yet sure of what the tattoo would be...I hope to meet up with a tattoo artist in Vacaville over the weekend to see if he can achieve the style I am looking for and give me an estimate on time and money. He has been doing Dennis' tattoo and I like how it is going. We will see how it goes. Animals are out of the pool of ideas because I'd rather hug and cuddle them in real life, uggh and no thanks on butterflies. Why do girls get butterflies? They are pretty and stuff...but it's not for me. Maybe cherry blossoms...actually there is a big chance I may give into a cherry blossom tattoo. No lotus or chrysanthemum flowers for me they are tattooed unattractively. No writing, hell no on writing...any form of writing will never be found on my body! You know what too...I can't get a person..I was thinking a delicately drawn female...but no I don't want eyes on my body. It's weird...I know. Something more nature-driven and organic is what I am looking into. =)

My stomach =(

So last night my stomach was totally killing me.

Okie I really should remove that sad face in my subject title...because it's not hurting me anymore =)

I uno, I feel bummed for some reason. Life can be so depressing when you're alone. Pandora is playing horrible music, I want to paint but I cannot seem to conjure up the courage to get myself painting like a Renaissance painter!! I'm very...very....freaked out about this serious kind of a thing. PLUS the canvas is freaking HUGE 20x30. I'm not comfortable..I have to break out of this and get my ass working on it.

Lately I have been in this super weird mood....can't even put it into words....

Not easy...

It is not easy to admit that I compare myself to whoever I set my eyes on that is a woman. It is something I am not proud of and I wish I did not do. The moment that I see a woman I immediately contemplate on who she is by the way she is acting, moving or what she is saying. I then turn it around and think to myself would I be acting, moving or saying the same words, and in what context if I was to do so.

It bugs me because it is not something I think of as a habit. But it happens every moment I view myself as threatened by the person in any sort of way. Whether it be the idea that she's prettier than I or if I think she is more intelligent. Then I pick out the flaws...it is an evil mindset that has been created through insecurity. Of course I feel insecure - I am a super fragile being. Ridiculously sensitive. I remember the first time anyone had ever told me I was overly sensitive. I remember getting so pissed off because I did not even know what sensitive meant! I was...I believe 6 years old, in like...2nd grade I believe. I think I even cried to my mom while pushing out the words between sobs "What is she calling me? Sensitive?"

Yes, I am sensitive. I take most...if not everything at heart. Hey - I said I am sensitive, I admit it. I admit to all these things. What I think makes it worse...I admit these things yet I cannot seem to accept it. I try so hard to change myself, why is that? Honestly, I don't know why...is that supposed to be the point of my life? To go against who I am, so that I can be happier with changing myself? Am I that stubborn that I will not change who I am even though I want to. I so badly want to get out of my mindset of taking things to heart and immediately acting upon anger.

Anger - that is one of the worst issues with my personality. I can get super pissed and it is rare because for some reason I tend to re-channel my energy from being fucken angry to pitiful and blaming myself. I will be honest right now, if I stayed angry I think I would be in jail right now or badly injured from a car accident. Anger is something I need to deal with...even if I have to just yell my lungs out, I'd prefer to release it that way than any other possibility.

my heart hurts....

disappointed in my life

I am very disappointed in who I am and these feelings that I cannot control. Fine go do whatever you want to do. I have my own life you have your's. I thought you said that you wouldn't do those things anymore, that you were not into that. Guess I was wrong to believe you.

Now look where this has gotten me. Sitting in a public library, crying, pouring my heart out to an inanimate object. I refuse to be close to someone. I dislike who I am because I don't seem to match what you are looking for. I am torn at being someone who I think would be best for you, and who I truly am. Internally I debate on whether I will survive this. I have always told myself I would never change for anyone else but myself.

I fucken hate myself. I hate who I am, I hate the way I live my life. I am unhappy and I do not seem to know what I am doing here.

I am not a fucken social butterfly. I prefer to be alone. Fuck it if I die alone. If that is who I am...I will have to accept it. No matter how much I hate it....I am not like other people. All I want is to be comfortable with myself...why the fuck is that so fucken hard to do?

Uggh...

I apologize for the previous entry, the one I deleted before this one.

If anyone set their eyes upon it, you now know I have a psycho side that rarely comes out. I still do not appreciate when someone leaves a note on your car criticizing stupid shit such as how you park. I stand by with saying fuck you to that person who left me the note on my car, and to go fuck yourself. By parking where I did, I was not breaking any laws.

If I find who the fuck did it, I will not fuck you up. But believe me, you will be getting stares that could burn through 10 steel pipes because I dislike you that much. You have the nerve to leave me a fucken note like that. It is ridiculous. People are stupid.

Onto a different subject. My day has gotten better. Although now I am a bit freaked out about my English class' group work. The fact that I am not sure how to find my statistics scares me. I obviously know how I want my part to look like but I feel like I need to get the approval of everyone.

I want to keep it at that.....

What the hell?

What the fuck..I asked my brother to please take my car to the shop so he can get it checked because the check engine light is on. My brother agreed, and yet my car was not taken to the shop today. What the fuck..I don't fucken have time while he has all fucken day. I'm getting so angry.

And my mom wants to go out but all she's doing is sitting in front of the fucken tv not able to miss her stupid retarded soap opera.