Friday, October 29, 2010
overwhelmed...
I am totally overwhelmed. I just figured out what I am going to be for Halloween which honestly isn't like me...which is soooo totally disappointing. Usually I have a good idea of what I am going to be, and I'm super sad because Ichigo is not even going to be dressing up because I did not think of any costume for him.
Lately I have not been on top of much because of dang school. I am stressed and my period has been badly effecting my mood. So much things are due, and I have now gotten discouraged with my genetics class. So many things are going on, I have to vote on Tuesday, while having a speech outline to hand in that day, then I have my speech to give and Genetics homework due Thursday. The speech is a big deal too because not only do I need to practice it in front of an audience for a few days before, I don't even know what I am doing yet! I have not started any sort of research...my topic is on homelessness, but it is more complex than just the homeless population. It is a persuasive speech so I have to persuade my audience to take some sort of action to help the homeless population. How to help them, I am not sure. I was hoping to take a step of emotional help...but my professor is directing me more towards money to an organization, or actions against police being so rude to homeless people. I am so ridiculously lost with that one.
I don't know..life has been too much. My period has been effecting my mood again and I argued with Dennis on Wednesday. Now his roommate is giving Dennis & I attitude while he's nice to the other roommates, I don't even know what is up with him. I'm not looking forward to going over there tonight (Dennis won't even be there yet...), but I am only going there to take care of the pup and to leave tonight for Vacaville. If the roommate is there, I will be nice...I don't hold grudges, plus he didn't do anything mean to me for me to even hold a grudge! I don't even know what I did to offend him! Unless he thinks that Dennis and I were mad at him on Wednesday when in actuality it was just between Dennis and I. Uggh..life is such a mess. He made the air yesterday so damn negative, I hope it isn't like that today. It's a horrible feeling and I wanted to paint too...but no I couldn't because he made a thick wall of dead air that I could not get past. I am really really praying that he is past this bad mood today. Who wants to be around someone who's like that.....trying to stay optimistic that he won't give me attitude.
Lately I have not been on top of much because of dang school. I am stressed and my period has been badly effecting my mood. So much things are due, and I have now gotten discouraged with my genetics class. So many things are going on, I have to vote on Tuesday, while having a speech outline to hand in that day, then I have my speech to give and Genetics homework due Thursday. The speech is a big deal too because not only do I need to practice it in front of an audience for a few days before, I don't even know what I am doing yet! I have not started any sort of research...my topic is on homelessness, but it is more complex than just the homeless population. It is a persuasive speech so I have to persuade my audience to take some sort of action to help the homeless population. How to help them, I am not sure. I was hoping to take a step of emotional help...but my professor is directing me more towards money to an organization, or actions against police being so rude to homeless people. I am so ridiculously lost with that one.
I don't know..life has been too much. My period has been effecting my mood again and I argued with Dennis on Wednesday. Now his roommate is giving Dennis & I attitude while he's nice to the other roommates, I don't even know what is up with him. I'm not looking forward to going over there tonight (Dennis won't even be there yet...), but I am only going there to take care of the pup and to leave tonight for Vacaville. If the roommate is there, I will be nice...I don't hold grudges, plus he didn't do anything mean to me for me to even hold a grudge! I don't even know what I did to offend him! Unless he thinks that Dennis and I were mad at him on Wednesday when in actuality it was just between Dennis and I. Uggh..life is such a mess. He made the air yesterday so damn negative, I hope it isn't like that today. It's a horrible feeling and I wanted to paint too...but no I couldn't because he made a thick wall of dead air that I could not get past. I am really really praying that he is past this bad mood today. Who wants to be around someone who's like that.....trying to stay optimistic that he won't give me attitude.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Thoughts....truly inspired =)
I am stuck in my thoughts at the moment. Soo happy though because lately my mind has been fluttering around with brilliant - well I think they are brilliant - ideas for paintings.
Of course these paintings are not going to be in fruition til' school calms down...I have multiple ideas.
1. The pups and kittens are NOT going to be large-scaled gouache paintings because the paints are too expensive. Will change to small canvased oil paintings.
2. Technology in space (no I don't mean outer space) I mean in various spaces that we find them when people are close proximity to each other. ex. classrooms, outside of a bldg, out in public spaces - parks, buses.
3. Parent and child moments - which are supposed to be more like...hm..Mary Cassatt Impressionist kind of moments. Not too cheesy, but...more intimate. We will see how that'll go hahaha...
4. A neighborhood project - which I hope to be the biggest series that will take up all of next semester. Each and every neighborhood in SF has its own little stereotype, but there is more to that stereotype that meets the eyes. I am very afraid of this project, and I think it may be biting off too much to chew...but I really want to try...REALLY...we will see how that one goes. I just thought of it today....and I am planning to converse with my teacher about it...
Of course these paintings are not going to be in fruition til' school calms down...I have multiple ideas.
1. The pups and kittens are NOT going to be large-scaled gouache paintings because the paints are too expensive. Will change to small canvased oil paintings.
2. Technology in space (no I don't mean outer space) I mean in various spaces that we find them when people are close proximity to each other. ex. classrooms, outside of a bldg, out in public spaces - parks, buses.
3. Parent and child moments - which are supposed to be more like...hm..Mary Cassatt Impressionist kind of moments. Not too cheesy, but...more intimate. We will see how that'll go hahaha...
4. A neighborhood project - which I hope to be the biggest series that will take up all of next semester. Each and every neighborhood in SF has its own little stereotype, but there is more to that stereotype that meets the eyes. I am very afraid of this project, and I think it may be biting off too much to chew...but I really want to try...REALLY...we will see how that one goes. I just thought of it today....and I am planning to converse with my teacher about it...
Monday, October 18, 2010
Irresponsible men
My title says it all, no I'm not referring to my boyfriend...he is actually very responsible.
Unfortunately he is so responsible he has no time to think of himself.
Anyways, I am writing about how difficult it is to deal with people who lack responsibility. I had no clue when i woke up this morning that I'd have to deal with taking out the trash for my boyfriend's roommates. Usually they are on top of things like that, but lately they have been irresponsible. It's stupid because then they wonder why their trash is so damn full. I think to myself because you don't really take care of things...and of course when you don't do one thing it kinda adds up! I just want to tell them it's because you're stupid ass is irresponsible!
Unfortunately he is so responsible he has no time to think of himself.
Anyways, I am writing about how difficult it is to deal with people who lack responsibility. I had no clue when i woke up this morning that I'd have to deal with taking out the trash for my boyfriend's roommates. Usually they are on top of things like that, but lately they have been irresponsible. It's stupid because then they wonder why their trash is so damn full. I think to myself because you don't really take care of things...and of course when you don't do one thing it kinda adds up! I just want to tell them it's because you're stupid ass is irresponsible!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Living is difficult...
Tired of life.
I'm trying to keep a calm demeanor. I keep telling myself I am ok.
When I talk to someone, I pretend everything is fine. If I don't, they get mad.
I'm angry, frustrated, sad and insecure. It wells up inside of me with no time to evaluate which makes me want to scream and cry.
I look outside to see the most disgusting way of life...I look at the mirror and see the worst piece of life created.
My breathing is unnatural. I cannot seem to time it right, I need to remember to inhale.
Van Gogh, you killed yourself like so many others in this world. I wish I knew why each and every single person did it. Leaving a note doesn't mean I will understand you.
People don't reach out anymore. They are stuck in their bubbles...keeping away from each other as though they are scared you will find out something evil about them.
The truth is, we are people living in hell. This is our hell we have created.
I'm in hell.
If I touch you, you may burn and become ash. Or maybe you will actually love me...
like you fucken used to.
Instead, I touch you and neither one occurs. You just...don't react.
Like I never did anything.
But you react to so many other things, that can't talk to you. That can't feel.
This is an individual society. I am an individual, but my survival is up to the society.
This world is hell, where ever I go after....only the birds will know.
They are free...and I am not.
Tired of life.
I'm trying to keep a calm demeanor. I keep telling myself I am ok.
When I talk to someone, I pretend everything is fine. If I don't, they get mad.
I'm angry, frustrated, sad and insecure. It wells up inside of me with no time to evaluate which makes me want to scream and cry.
I look outside to see the most disgusting way of life...I look at the mirror and see the worst piece of life created.
My breathing is unnatural. I cannot seem to time it right, I need to remember to inhale.
Van Gogh, you killed yourself like so many others in this world. I wish I knew why each and every single person did it. Leaving a note doesn't mean I will understand you.
People don't reach out anymore. They are stuck in their bubbles...keeping away from each other as though they are scared you will find out something evil about them.
The truth is, we are people living in hell. This is our hell we have created.
I'm in hell.
If I touch you, you may burn and become ash. Or maybe you will actually love me...
like you fucken used to.
Instead, I touch you and neither one occurs. You just...don't react.
Like I never did anything.
But you react to so many other things, that can't talk to you. That can't feel.
This is an individual society. I am an individual, but my survival is up to the society.
This world is hell, where ever I go after....only the birds will know.
They are free...and I am not.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Freaking out...
I am freaking out...I am because there are tons of things to do on my list yet I haven't had time to check off things.
Homework is taking over my brain...and it's not a nice feeling when shit gets in your way. I really suck at impressionist painting that's all I can say. It's...an under-estimated talent. To paint like an impressionist is to paint with a process in your brain that is difficult to decode so you're painting to get it all out there so you can figure it all out. It's a crazy way of painting, I can't handle it too well.
I have been tired lately, and frustrated with school work. Lately my stomach has been acting up and I believe depression exists right now in my life but I cannot tell you exactly why. Just not feeling the greatest...and it's kind of just inside of my head.
Homework is taking over my brain...and it's not a nice feeling when shit gets in your way. I really suck at impressionist painting that's all I can say. It's...an under-estimated talent. To paint like an impressionist is to paint with a process in your brain that is difficult to decode so you're painting to get it all out there so you can figure it all out. It's a crazy way of painting, I can't handle it too well.
I have been tired lately, and frustrated with school work. Lately my stomach has been acting up and I believe depression exists right now in my life but I cannot tell you exactly why. Just not feeling the greatest...and it's kind of just inside of my head.
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