I...don't know what's going on....

This sucks....

That's all I can type right now...

Pissed & sleepy

I don't think being pissed and sleepy are really a good combo. I've been annoyed easily lately, i can imagine it's because my dot is almost done and I am pretty stressed.

Sometimes I don't know how to deal with it. It isn't a nice feeling when almost every aspect of your life won't let you relax. You try your hardest to keep up with everything, and once you let yourself take a break you end up regretting it bc you start to think of all the shit you should have been doing!

I had spring break last week yet I had no time and things weren't as productive as I hoped for...I think I'm an idiot...

Treasure....

I have found someone sooo amazing....I love her work...never knew I was admiring such a wonderful artist.

BEAUTIFUL...

http://www.audrey-kawasaki.com/index.php

I think I'm weird...

I wonder sometimes what other people think of me.

I don't usually feel this way but ever since leaving AAU I think about it. I don't think I'm just curious. I think it is most likely the fact that I don't know these people, yet they are constantly in my life but are not friends.

For example, the people upstairs from Dennis. We don't know each other personally yet we talk...and I don't know..I talk to them about stuff when we see each other.

Obviously I think about Dennis' family when I think of something like this. I unno! It was just a thought.

Photo by Dennis <3

An Easter Scare

So yesterday I accompanied Dennis' family to church. We rode in different cars, Dennis his brother, Kenneth, and I were in one car and the rest of his family in the other. We arrived back at his parents' house first, finding Ichigo had ruined some things.

I was pissed at him, and Dennis pointed out that there was something in the formal living room that was ruined. As his brother went to go check that out, I noticed there was something scattered on the closet floor. Usually that door is closed. I found blue kibble on the floor, it was rat food covered in poison. His brother told us that Ichigo pulled out the rat poison from the closet, tore up it's paper container and may have consumed some. Ichigo was acting normal, jumped on us when we entered. Dennis told me t0 immediately call Animal Care Control in Vacaville, it was a recording. I feared no one would be open on Easter Sunday but with the recording came the emergency vet clinic number in Solano. I called the emergency number and told them our dog got into rat poison and we don't know how much he has consumed. I ran upstairs to grab his leash and etc, when I ran back downstairs Dennis was crying. I knew I couldn't cry, if I cried then we'd be too emotional to know what the hell to do!

I was so thankful the Emergency Clinic was open. We brought Ichi right away and the rat poison. His brother vacuumed the living room and we told him we would come back. I could tell he was worried, we all were. It was a 20 minute ride but Ichigo was fine. They induced vomiting via IV and he threw up blue crap everywhere (we wanted to see it, but they already threw it out). Although they are not sure how much he ate and not sure if he absorbed any at all, just in case we were given an antidote - Vitamin K. After they informed us he was fine, I began to cry.

Thinking about losing Ichigo was something I refused to think about. I didn't want to think of it any time earlier - that isn't really who I am. Unless something, I know, is wrong with him and there is no use in helping him - I'd accept it. Having my rats made me realize how to cope with their death and life...

I don't ever want to lose Ichigo, I never wanted to lose any of my pets. I only feel it's best when it's the best for them. It's not time for Ichigo just yet...

I am so thankful to God for keeping him safe.

Miserable

Every freaking night I feel miserable. Maybe this is what the night does...

Once I think of what to write it feels like a stupid situation - like what happened to me doesn't even matter, it's all just crap. But every damn situation stirs my emotions a different way...it bugs me to the most inner part of my soul. I get so angry that things effect me so much. I can't live my life thinking that I should not care. Yet I try to pretend that I don't care. That doesn't really work either.

I wish that once I spoke to someone about my problems they would go away. Obviously if it was that easy, I would not be typing all this. People just say it'll be ok, I want things to be ok - of course - but once again it is not that easy. I don't think I'm an anti-social person...I don't think I can survive being alone, not because of who I am I think it's a human characteristic. I think people need other people, it's a natural thing. I view things of this world - mainly what humans have created - make people more divided. Although globalization and technology have connected countries more than 1,000 miles away from each other doesn't mean that we are MORE CONNECTED to them. If anything...we are all becoming more distant from each other than we ever have been in history. Think about it from my perspective....but then again...i'm so far disconnected from people now...and they are so into their technology and own life...most likely no one will care.

Love...

Love isn't something I like to write about. Lately though, I've been feeling immense love for my boyfriend, Dennis. It could be just the fact that I am certainly emotional for the arrival of my dot.

Also the recent situations have a lot to do with it, it's been a tough time to accept that I will be living in my house for the next few years. It sounds silly when I type it but really it isn't something I had accepted (yes I was in denial).

Every time there are changes I always know he has been there for me. Sometimes we argue, of course, that's what comes with being in a relationship. It's wonderful though, because we have our ups and downs...and we always find each other after it all.

Quite disappointed

Today was a disappointing day.

My plans for leaving to Sacramento have turned into a pathetic little idea that never really had a chance to become reality. I'm stuck, I hate myself and the decisions I have made in the past. Now I am here, sitting in my room in San Francisco staring at a computer typing out my thoughts, frustrations and dreams.

I cried today, just like how I cried last night. It does not change, no matter how many times I cry. Life is a bitch, life is not like what they tell you when you're young. You cannot be what you want to be. You cannot make it in life. You may as well be a whore and hope to not die from a disease. You still...will die from something - no matter a whore, a businessman, or a construction worker.

Disappointing, life is a fucken disappointment. I try to find the things that make me happy - my puppy, my mom, brother, and dad hanging out in the kitchen, my boyfriend and I at his parents' house with his family...

But I am always reminded how those memories fade so easily and the honest truth is that I rarely get to see my whole family in the kitchen together, I rarely get to be with my boyfriend and his family in the same room either, and I think of how Ichigo, Dennis and I barely get to be in the sunlight together. It's depressing, it's difficult..and still I pretend maybe...maybe things will get better. Then I cry....and try to be more positive after the tears dry......