Being a Filipino American woman...

I'm not that feminine. For all those guys out there who think a girl should slave over her looks I'm so sickened by your mindset. That is not fair, I don't ask men to shave their legs and armpits and expect them to wear make-up or pluck those eyebrows. I am so disgusted by these expectations! I will pluck my eyebrows and shave my legs when I want to. And when I walk around with no make-up I love my natural face, I don't paste on my face every morning so that I can compete with anyone.

I fucken hate this sometimes. It's so disturbing how the media has been stuck on what femininity is all about. I feel like the feminine movement has died. I don't like having people tell me how to look or what to do to look better because I am fine the way I am.

To hear especially that I don't look like a stereotypical Filipino girl is even more annoying. Am I supposed? What does a Filipino girl look like to you? Into the new trends by wearing lil sandals that look like they were inspired from Xena warrior princess? I don't look snobby enough for you? I look too much like I just woke up, what if I don't have time!? I'm not going to spend an hour and a half making sure I look good for SCHOOL. I swear words cannot even explain how disgusted I am. Then there is the issue of money. Women are worked on for profit by corporations for everything ranging from eyeliner pencils to plastic surgery. You're not pretty enough for the hot guy you have been eying, just slap on some fake BUTT pads, cover those blemishes, and get a boob job! Don't worry he will be into you soon...

AHhh!! It's frustrating, and people may think hey this is not happening to you - why worry, you seem so confident. Well let me tell you - I may seem confident but those ads and those words that circle me everyday wear me down. They like to demean you in those ads and give you a great solution. Bull....

Try being a woman sometime if you really want to know how I feel.

One final over - another reflection on my personality

English final was today. I felt pretty good about it. I read over it when I had finished up and it felt...well it felt great. Not like I think I will get an A but hopefully I will get at least a B and receive a final grade of a B! I think I feel great because that is one final over! =)

I realized that...well...I weird people out. Obviously I have known this fact for a while. Ever since I left the Academy I am trying to maintain the same personality I had when I was an Academy student. Yet...people are weirded out by my "strange" persona. I'm more verbally open than most about sex, sexuality, nudity, and flatulence. I can talk about these things and not feel...embarrassed until someone mentions that it is not cool to talk about it. That's when I feel more angry than anything because is it so bad to talk about my personal life...what else are we going to talk about? I kept my mouth shut after I felt this way...and I do not like that. I miss people who are more open about things...yet oddly enough more people in this school are more informed about other things such as political events and social awareness...Yet NOT aware of something simple, logical and to me normal! If they are so aware of political events such as what's going on in the gay marriage scene and believe they have the right to marriage and love then is it so wrong for me to admit the type of girl I'm into. They feel uncomfortable or they bombard me with Qs on my sexuality which I don't mind but they make it seem like they have never met someone bi before. Basically - I'm confused about how bizarre I am to people. What is normal? So what if I'm not normal...do I have to be?

stupid thermometer!!!

GREAT....failed again at making caramel. This time it was EVEN worse!!!

More BURNT! HORRIBLE! Tastes disgusting...i'm so pissed right now =(

I can't believe I have failed AGAIN. the stupid thermometer is the problem...I'm so pissed right now....at some point the thermometer stopped at 250 degrees, and then...it wouldn't move for like 6 minutes. And then I tilted the caramel syrup and it started rocketing to 275 quickly, then i placed it back normally and it was closer to 200 degrees. STupid shit....I'm so pissed...

Making caramel...

yup it is the truth, I am making caramel. Let's see how this batch goes. Second batch ever of making caramel.

The first batch was pretty bad, it's burnt and will not harden because I did it incorrectly DUH! The current batch is looking good. It isn't burning and it's slowly approaching 300 degrees Celsius. I think before my stove was too hot, so the temp skyrocketed to 300 that it just burnt! And I backed out of finishing steps because it was already ruined.

Hopefully this turns out better. Sadly I wasted a half of an organic vanilla pod, which costs $2.50. For two, I paid $10.

I am now at the 215 degree mark and I'm freaking out since it's getting browner every degree it raises....

Close to end of semester

I am so close to the end of the semester! All that has to be done is taking my actual finals! Then I can enjoy summer =)

Disappointed that I cannot take summer class though. But y'know what, I deserve a break. I am not really sure why I am writing this right now. I'm supposed to get things prepped. Man I still have to type up a cover letter for my English final. I've been pretty happy with my preparation for my finals. I need to push myself to get to my college's library now AHAHHA..let's hope I force myself to. Cannot enjoy the days off JUST YET. It sucks because I have a final this Friday, then I have a final next Thursday. That leaves Monday to Wednesday to study, I BETTER STUDY!!! Also on the weekend!! AHhh!! Gotta find a cafe to do some work in so I can just relax & focus!!!

HHm...

I do miss those times when Dennis & I would hang out in his car late at night. We would talk and look out at the beach, sometimes watching the sunset...

It sure is different, life can be so mundane and when it...isn't like how it used to be you're not sure what to expect. I expect something new, and it isn't...like that anymore. Things have to be set now that we have Ichigo, he has a job, we have obligations.

I'm spouting this stuff out of my ass.

Not necessarily thinking because I don't want to think too much about it. I want to let the information flow. I don't even have the funds to go out and pay for some entertainment & fun yet I'm picky about that even. I'm stuck thinking in my mind how I can more active in the community...yet I want to indulge in something other than school.

Avatar

So I succumbed and watched Avatar with my family.

Sure is frustrating because it's colonialism.

Saddening...

It is so political...and so true what colonialism is defined as...

Trying to stay focused...

So I now have...up to six journals, I only need to work on four more then I can summarize my trip through ESL coaching...then I am done! I can get it binded either Monday or even tomorrow.

I'm feeling frustrated about many things...being a woman is mainly what it revolves around. Today I bought a dress that I thought would look good on me..it does! Except for the fact that I have shoulders that look broad for my body type and my bad tan lines have worsened it. Lately I have been playing volleyball for four hours on Fridays, in my 2hr class and then 2hr peppering with classmates out in the sun. That's about to end...I enjoyed it so much, which is more like a side note because the point is I have been tanning in sports clothes. Sexy sport clothes mind you! HA ya right, my tan is HORRIBLE AND NOT SEXY. My face is a nice tanned brown with orange and pink hues to help my cheeks rosy on up, but with a tanned face comes tan lines from sunglasses. Must protect my eyes from the sun, I am the only who wears them it seems when we play outside...

I'm diverging - back to the point, my shoulders...so I'm not as muscular as I used to be, but I still have muscle definition. My shoulders look broad -the problem in one quick answer! It doesn't help that the dress is held upon my frame by these tiny little straps. I tried it on and will fix my hair so that it may cover the minuscule laces against my overly defined upper body. It's all a damn illusion, evil illusion!!! AHHHHHhhh!!!!! And I thought I was pretty getting all waxed OUT! I get so frustrated being a female. I mean really...is that what I need to do to be beautiful? What A BITCH!!!! I won't rant...I'll save my I hate being female because of the media and society for a different day, I'm tired and still need to work on my final project. Must keep focused...

Tiiiirrreeeddd but gotta keep working...

All right, I am almost done with school.

I have a final project due this coming Tuesday and I still have an assignment to do for Monday.

I have read twenty chapters of Honor & Duty by Gus Lee, actually twenty-one chapters, for my English class. I got into the story while getting my nails done and went over one chapter of what was originally required. Shit if you give me time I'd be done with the book by Monday! The assignment due this coming Monday only deals with the required chapters so I can't overload my mind ...

The project due Tuesday is my final project for Political Science. For the past ten weeks I have been volunteering at the downtown campus coaching ESL students. I've been enjoying it a lot, sadly last Wednesday was my last day =(. That's why I baked those cookies in the previous post. Damn they all went QUICK and I was left with no cookies, which I think was a very good thing =) I'll miss the students, they were so inspired to learn - it inspired me to teach!!! And so...I am positive about being a teacher. Anyways back to my final project, I needed to do a journal entry for each day I attended my ESL class. Ya..I think I have like..4 done..yikes..not good.

Yess I'm stresssseeedd. I am sooo looking forward to having school BE FINISHED and the summer to roll on by. Although I am taking summer classes - heh...ya not so relaxing. Maybe just one class, I have to take one at least...we'll see how it goes!!!

Homestretch to the end of the semester HERE !!!

going to bed now....

I'm pretty pooped, I've been baking all day. Well not really - more like...majority of the day...

Tomorrow is my last day volunteering to help students learn the English language. I finished baking cookies for them just now....

Ya I'm sad...but I'm also excited because they are getting to credit classes! I'm really tired so I'm going to sleep now. I have to wake up in....less than 6 hours.