ITCHY!

My tattoo is SUPER ITCHY!!!!!!

Which means my back is crazy itchy!!!!

Technology...

Technology relates to depression...I believe it!!!

It has eroded society's intimate connections between human beings. Sure there are positive aspects but really...I see people on their computers/cellphones/ video games watching televisions more than eating and talking to a real person combined.

=(

stressed!!!

I'm sooo stressed out because finals is next week! I hope to update my art blog but until then I need to calm down!!!!!!!!

My art blog: http://donnasalonga.wordpress.com/

Registered!

I am slightly light-headed since I painted my nails - not really a good sign =P

my fingers are freezing. anyways, yesterday was my registration date and i totally!!!!!! FREAKING!!! have a crazy schedule - but it's not that bad. It's the fact that Tuesdays I'm going to be at school from 8am-5pm, since all four of my classes are going to fall on that day. MWF I only have one class. And Thursday I will have only three. College/University hours are weird.

Sad Realization

My registration date is next Monday...

Unfortunately, while organizing my classes to attempt in registering, I do not have time for intermediate painting. I'm torn...since honestly, I am about to get my ass out of community college. It's close!! Not as close as I was hoping...but I need to get these classes out of the way.

=( I want to be out of community college now...Math is the only one making it really tough since I placed in such a low math. I get sooo angry =(

Feeling sick =P

Uggh...I don't feel good =( I will not be attending my painting class tomorrow...uggh..

I have been drawing though for a few ideas on surrealism....

WAhh I want to feel better soon. It's my tummy...chubby tummy bugging me...

Wish I was somewhere else right now...

overwhelmed...

I am totally overwhelmed. I just figured out what I am going to be for Halloween which honestly isn't like me...which is soooo totally disappointing. Usually I have a good idea of what I am going to be, and I'm super sad because Ichigo is not even going to be dressing up because I did not think of any costume for him.

Lately I have not been on top of much because of dang school. I am stressed and my period has been badly effecting my mood. So much things are due, and I have now gotten discouraged with my genetics class. So many things are going on, I have to vote on Tuesday, while having a speech outline to hand in that day, then I have my speech to give and Genetics homework due Thursday. The speech is a big deal too because not only do I need to practice it in front of an audience for a few days before, I don't even know what I am doing yet! I have not started any sort of research...my topic is on homelessness, but it is more complex than just the homeless population. It is a persuasive speech so I have to persuade my audience to take some sort of action to help the homeless population. How to help them, I am not sure. I was hoping to take a step of emotional help...but my professor is directing me more towards money to an organization, or actions against police being so rude to homeless people. I am so ridiculously lost with that one.

I don't know..life has been too much. My period has been effecting my mood again and I argued with Dennis on Wednesday. Now his roommate is giving Dennis & I attitude while he's nice to the other roommates, I don't even know what is up with him. I'm not looking forward to going over there tonight (Dennis won't even be there yet...), but I am only going there to take care of the pup and to leave tonight for Vacaville. If the roommate is there, I will be nice...I don't hold grudges, plus he didn't do anything mean to me for me to even hold a grudge! I don't even know what I did to offend him! Unless he thinks that Dennis and I were mad at him on Wednesday when in actuality it was just between Dennis and I. Uggh..life is such a mess. He made the air yesterday so damn negative, I hope it isn't like that today. It's a horrible feeling and I wanted to paint too...but no I couldn't because he made a thick wall of dead air that I could not get past. I am really really praying that he is past this bad mood today. Who wants to be around someone who's like that.....trying to stay optimistic that he won't give me attitude.

Thoughts....truly inspired =)

I am stuck in my thoughts at the moment. Soo happy though because lately my mind has been fluttering around with brilliant - well I think they are brilliant - ideas for paintings.

Of course these paintings are not going to be in fruition til' school calms down...I have multiple ideas.

1. The pups and kittens are NOT going to be large-scaled gouache paintings because the paints are too expensive. Will change to small canvased oil paintings.

2. Technology in space (no I don't mean outer space) I mean in various spaces that we find them when people are close proximity to each other. ex. classrooms, outside of a bldg, out in public spaces - parks, buses.

3. Parent and child moments - which are supposed to be more like...hm..Mary Cassatt Impressionist kind of moments. Not too cheesy, but...more intimate. We will see how that'll go hahaha...

4. A neighborhood project - which I hope to be the biggest series that will take up all of next semester. Each and every neighborhood in SF has its own little stereotype, but there is more to that stereotype that meets the eyes. I am very afraid of this project, and I think it may be biting off too much to chew...but I really want to try...REALLY...we will see how that one goes. I just thought of it today....and I am planning to converse with my teacher about it...

Irresponsible men

My title says it all, no I'm not referring to my boyfriend...he is actually very responsible.

Unfortunately he is so responsible he has no time to think of himself.

Anyways, I am writing about how difficult it is to deal with people who lack responsibility. I had no clue when i woke up this morning that I'd have to deal with taking out the trash for my boyfriend's roommates. Usually they are on top of things like that, but lately they have been irresponsible. It's stupid because then they wonder why their trash is so damn full. I think to myself because you don't really take care of things...and of course when you don't do one thing it kinda adds up! I just want to tell them it's because you're stupid ass is irresponsible!

My life...

Life is so unpredictable.

Hopefully everything will play out well.

I can hear the rain =)

Living is difficult...

Tired of life.

I'm trying to keep a calm demeanor. I keep telling myself I am ok.

When I talk to someone, I pretend everything is fine. If I don't, they get mad.

I'm angry, frustrated, sad and insecure. It wells up inside of me with no time to evaluate which makes me want to scream and cry.

I look outside to see the most disgusting way of life...I look at the mirror and see the worst piece of life created.

My breathing is unnatural. I cannot seem to time it right, I need to remember to inhale.

Van Gogh, you killed yourself like so many others in this world. I wish I knew why each and every single person did it. Leaving a note doesn't mean I will understand you.

People don't reach out anymore. They are stuck in their bubbles...keeping away from each other as though they are scared you will find out something evil about them.

The truth is, we are people living in hell. This is our hell we have created.

I'm in hell.

If I touch you, you may burn and become ash. Or maybe you will actually love me...

like you fucken used to.

Instead, I touch you and neither one occurs. You just...don't react.

Like I never did anything.

But you react to so many other things, that can't talk to you. That can't feel.

This is an individual society. I am an individual, but my survival is up to the society.

This world is hell, where ever I go after....only the birds will know.

They are free...and I am not.

It is better to stay quiet....

I know next time.

....

I seem to be depressed...

Freaking out...

I am freaking out...I am because there are tons of things to do on my list yet I haven't had time to check off things.

Homework is taking over my brain...and it's not a nice feeling when shit gets in your way. I really suck at impressionist painting that's all I can say. It's...an under-estimated talent. To paint like an impressionist is to paint with a process in your brain that is difficult to decode so you're painting to get it all out there so you can figure it all out. It's a crazy way of painting, I can't handle it too well.

I have been tired lately, and frustrated with school work. Lately my stomach has been acting up and I believe depression exists right now in my life but I cannot tell you exactly why. Just not feeling the greatest...and it's kind of just inside of my head.

Painting has been sooo ehh!

I have been able to paint but I am still feeling like poop with my renaissance painting. I am unable to show any progress on it because I left it at school. I am hoping to be able to bring it home again on the weekend...somehow. Not sure yet how =( I refuse to drive to school...I did it last Thursday to bring my painting home. I parked outside of my cousin's house and it still was a horrible experience driving to school and back to my house.

The last few days have been stressful with school, I broke out between my eyebrows. Three pimples somehow harbored there...creating a volcanoes Hawaii would be proud of since it now looks like small islands. It is in the process of healing, I feel so embarrassed! Going on...

Contemplating about getting a tattoo on my back. What is frustrating is the idea that my mom would hate me if she found out about it. I will not be able to wear white shirts anymore....I have not really worn any shirts that show my back anyways, so I don't have to worry about that.

Still not yet sure of what the tattoo would be...I hope to meet up with a tattoo artist in Vacaville over the weekend to see if he can achieve the style I am looking for and give me an estimate on time and money. He has been doing Dennis' tattoo and I like how it is going. We will see how it goes. Animals are out of the pool of ideas because I'd rather hug and cuddle them in real life, uggh and no thanks on butterflies. Why do girls get butterflies? They are pretty and stuff...but it's not for me. Maybe cherry blossoms...actually there is a big chance I may give into a cherry blossom tattoo. No lotus or chrysanthemum flowers for me they are tattooed unattractively. No writing, hell no on writing...any form of writing will never be found on my body! You know what too...I can't get a person..I was thinking a delicately drawn female...but no I don't want eyes on my body. It's weird...I know. Something more nature-driven and organic is what I am looking into. =)

My stomach =(

So last night my stomach was totally killing me.

Okie I really should remove that sad face in my subject title...because it's not hurting me anymore =)

I uno, I feel bummed for some reason. Life can be so depressing when you're alone. Pandora is playing horrible music, I want to paint but I cannot seem to conjure up the courage to get myself painting like a Renaissance painter!! I'm very...very....freaked out about this serious kind of a thing. PLUS the canvas is freaking HUGE 20x30. I'm not comfortable..I have to break out of this and get my ass working on it.

Lately I have been in this super weird mood....can't even put it into words....

Not easy...

It is not easy to admit that I compare myself to whoever I set my eyes on that is a woman. It is something I am not proud of and I wish I did not do. The moment that I see a woman I immediately contemplate on who she is by the way she is acting, moving or what she is saying. I then turn it around and think to myself would I be acting, moving or saying the same words, and in what context if I was to do so.

It bugs me because it is not something I think of as a habit. But it happens every moment I view myself as threatened by the person in any sort of way. Whether it be the idea that she's prettier than I or if I think she is more intelligent. Then I pick out the flaws...it is an evil mindset that has been created through insecurity. Of course I feel insecure - I am a super fragile being. Ridiculously sensitive. I remember the first time anyone had ever told me I was overly sensitive. I remember getting so pissed off because I did not even know what sensitive meant! I was...I believe 6 years old, in like...2nd grade I believe. I think I even cried to my mom while pushing out the words between sobs "What is she calling me? Sensitive?"

Yes, I am sensitive. I take most...if not everything at heart. Hey - I said I am sensitive, I admit it. I admit to all these things. What I think makes it worse...I admit these things yet I cannot seem to accept it. I try so hard to change myself, why is that? Honestly, I don't know why...is that supposed to be the point of my life? To go against who I am, so that I can be happier with changing myself? Am I that stubborn that I will not change who I am even though I want to. I so badly want to get out of my mindset of taking things to heart and immediately acting upon anger.

Anger - that is one of the worst issues with my personality. I can get super pissed and it is rare because for some reason I tend to re-channel my energy from being fucken angry to pitiful and blaming myself. I will be honest right now, if I stayed angry I think I would be in jail right now or badly injured from a car accident. Anger is something I need to deal with...even if I have to just yell my lungs out, I'd prefer to release it that way than any other possibility.

my heart hurts....

disappointed in my life

I am very disappointed in who I am and these feelings that I cannot control. Fine go do whatever you want to do. I have my own life you have your's. I thought you said that you wouldn't do those things anymore, that you were not into that. Guess I was wrong to believe you.

Now look where this has gotten me. Sitting in a public library, crying, pouring my heart out to an inanimate object. I refuse to be close to someone. I dislike who I am because I don't seem to match what you are looking for. I am torn at being someone who I think would be best for you, and who I truly am. Internally I debate on whether I will survive this. I have always told myself I would never change for anyone else but myself.

I fucken hate myself. I hate who I am, I hate the way I live my life. I am unhappy and I do not seem to know what I am doing here.

I am not a fucken social butterfly. I prefer to be alone. Fuck it if I die alone. If that is who I am...I will have to accept it. No matter how much I hate it....I am not like other people. All I want is to be comfortable with myself...why the fuck is that so fucken hard to do?

Uggh...

I apologize for the previous entry, the one I deleted before this one.

If anyone set their eyes upon it, you now know I have a psycho side that rarely comes out. I still do not appreciate when someone leaves a note on your car criticizing stupid shit such as how you park. I stand by with saying fuck you to that person who left me the note on my car, and to go fuck yourself. By parking where I did, I was not breaking any laws.

If I find who the fuck did it, I will not fuck you up. But believe me, you will be getting stares that could burn through 10 steel pipes because I dislike you that much. You have the nerve to leave me a fucken note like that. It is ridiculous. People are stupid.

Onto a different subject. My day has gotten better. Although now I am a bit freaked out about my English class' group work. The fact that I am not sure how to find my statistics scares me. I obviously know how I want my part to look like but I feel like I need to get the approval of everyone.

I want to keep it at that.....

What the hell?

What the fuck..I asked my brother to please take my car to the shop so he can get it checked because the check engine light is on. My brother agreed, and yet my car was not taken to the shop today. What the fuck..I don't fucken have time while he has all fucken day. I'm getting so angry.

And my mom wants to go out but all she's doing is sitting in front of the fucken tv not able to miss her stupid retarded soap opera.

Super frustrated

I am looking over my art blog and realized that my painting sucks.

It is the most frustrating feeling to look over something that you thought was not so bad and see all the flaws. I see more blues in my leaves, yet whenever I begin to paint it just becomes green. I'm disappointed and I want to get help. Yet I don't go to an art college anymore and will not receive the professional help from a forceful teacher. The teachers at AAU are hard asses that knew if you did not learn you did not deserve to pick up a paint brush. Oh how I miss their teachings!!!!

Off on a tangent - I like to condition my brush! It's not funny...it is a serious thing, paint brushes do not come cheap so I love them and want to take good care of them. This random thought came to me a few days ago when the teacher mentioned caring for brushes, and how some people will shampoo & condition their brushes. Few students scoffed and ridiculed under their breaths, for me I smiled and thought of how I have a special brush cleaner and container where they can dry. I remember the first time I started to paint seriously, I had no clue how to take care of brushes.

Am I obsessed? Sadly no I am not...I want to be though. I want to be so addicted to painting. It's all about my wants....but...time management is not exactly on my side.

For now I am only a student who has to juggle general education alongside painting...

Tired...

I was riding back on the bus today feeling pretty darn tired. I wanted to nap but since my bus rides are not that long anymore I don't nap. The weekend was fun, although my voice is horsed because I was cheering Dennis on during his basketball games.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day & I still have not read my genetics homework. Oh ya, also I have not done my research for English yet. At least I have books to prove I have at least researched. I am hoping to keep working on my color wheel and take a picture of it for my artist blog. Nice ideas are coming out but I have not been able to paint them yet because I have school. The canvases are prepped & ready, that is definitely a nice feeling! =D

Did a speech today...

I had speech class today. Man I was super nervous and that I totally messed up. I kept saying "pretty much" so once I caught myself saying "pretty much" for about I'd say the 6th time, I stopped completely. I stood there for what felt like forever and made a mental note to STOP saying that phrase. I did stop, and at that point the rest of my speech spilt out of my mouth more smoothly. Or at least I think so. Sometime next week I think I will be receiving a video of my speech, so everyone can look at it =D guess you should be happy...

Just gessoed a few materials that I want to paint on. I want to attempt at acrylics sometime in the future. It was cool because this past Tuesday there was a guest speaker who presented us with some great information on acrylics. She was presenting to us liquitex items. So I got a free sample, pretty excited =) But first I need to work on my color wheel! Yay!!! On Thursday we began a still life painting, finally! Happy to paint again, yes yes I am =D

Not too focused....

I should be working on my speech concerning women in the media & the pressures that exist in the society. I have not even started yet. Sitting on my butt. I believe I have been working on my art assignment for the past 3 hours. The piece is lacking!!!! uggh... it is bothersome. It is supposed to be a color wheel, but I want to make it more....interesting!

Anyways, I'm pretty bummed that I cannot focus. Things are quite disappointing at the moment. Especially my English class. Whatever, it's required and the course is transferable. Genetics is quite enjoyable, it catches my attention and time passes quickly in that class. Same with speech. English is the only class that I'm totally bored of. Ehh, it will prove to be useful in my speech class so I should not worry.

I am so freaking hungry right now...like soooo damn hungry. I don't like this feeling.

First week of school

Horrible...

----------

I think I'm going to go to bed tonight crying.....-sigh-

everyone has gotten better but me...OH MY GOSH...I wish I ate, drank, breathed art like how the others have....

the honest truth is I never got along that well with many people at my other school...so why should I care? I tried to...never worked out. Why can't I accept that I need to get better on my own and forget about everyone else? I don't know...I guess because I had gotten comfortable and now when I look back...I actually miss it. Deep inside I am angry....deep inside I knew I felt there was no other choice. It was too expensive, I honestly did not know what I wanted at that time in my life. Now I do...now I can really say that I love art....feels like I knew it too late. Life can be such a damn run around, I feel like shit.

HHhm...quite thoughtful

just came back from seeing my cousins, my stomach is feeling funny. =I

I wanted to post in my other blog which concerns my art an entry about my inspirations. I saved it because I realized I was on my laptop which has no images of who inspires me. My desktop has the images I need.

While I was searching for some images in my e-mail I stumbled upon a conversation with a friend of mine...totally from the past. A good friend of mine that was there for me, but he ended up not being such a great friend. He had given gave me advice I found to be hurtful instead of helpful. Looking at the conversation we had 2 years ago on gmail chat made me think of how we were really close and how I could have sworn we would be good friends for a long time. And now 2 years later I know nothing of what is going on with him.

Oh my gosh I want to throw up all over the place. I'm so frustrated with my lack of progress in art....I feel so sick of myself...

Worst headache ever!!!

Uggh, I woke up half an hr ago from a 2 hr nap. Maybe that was not such a good idea. My head was aching before the nap, and my head is still aching. Not doing yoga for a freaking month will do this to you. =( It feels like I have never done yoga in my life and my body is just getting used to it.

I made myself a peach & banana shake. Hopefully that will make me feel better. I am drinking a lot of water...aww man. =( I am totally bummed that my headache is this bad.

Yoga, Life & Painting!!!

Oh my goodness!!! I am sooo freaking tired =O!!! I want to stay awake though, I know at some point I may give in and take a nap yikes! I woke up this morning at 4am and I almost did NOT attend yoga! I ended up going back into bed after using the bathroom and could not fall asleep because I was trying to force myself to get up. Yay =D I got up at 4:15am and got my ass out of the door by 4:30am. The buses were pretty late all morning. I waited for the M bus for 5-7 minutes, waited for a train @ the station for about 20 minutes in the cold, and waited another 10 or so minutes for the bus on Van Ness. Man!!! It's so tough to get out to downtown with the whole changes going on @ St. Francis Circle.

Anyhow, I got to yoga!!! =) I am so totally dehydrated - not cool! But I worked out my body and my skin feels revitalized. I then met up with Dennis for breakfast! I also saw Michi walking up the street while I was walking on Post! That was crazy since I glanced at her and thought in my head "That looks like Michi!" and it was her HAAHHAHA! Met up with Dennis to eat some veggie burritos, YUUMMMmmyy! =D

Now I am sitting here yawning because I have already been up for 7 plus hours. I'm doing Ichigo's laundry because I was able to sew up a few of his smelly saliva-scented toys, and gathered up the dirty toys Maggie tossed into the backyard when Dennis was still living in Excelsior.

Ichi =)

Personally, I will admit I totally thought that Dennis living with roommates would be so freaking awkward. It can still be but having a week pass by, I am feeling more comfortable. I am pretty happy with who they are and how they treat me. They also treat Ichigo really well, so I am happy. =D This one park is really close to Deni now, but it's weird because I miss Excelsior's park. -sigh- I know why, the people at this new park are different. Dennis likes it because it's well-kept and larger. I agree with how he feels but I like the people better at Excelsior, they talk to you and...I don't know it's just different. It is interesting because you can even see the differences in breeds of dogs. I have been seeing more fancy doggies and larger breeds. I have not seen any pitbulls =( which I will admit I want to see. I love pitbulls...Ichigo has not met a dog yet that he has gotten along with. He's just always sniffing stuff. Oh well hopefully soon =)

I am hoping to paint a landscape @ that park sometime soon..

Could not resist...

Whenever I look at Ichigo I can't resist his cuteness =)

And with my cousin =) I cannot resist making faces!!! So much FUN =D

What am I to do?

It's freezing cold & I have so many things to do....

Totally stressed

I am so annoyed how I lack time for art. I swear I do not have time to do anything on my own leisure time. I have dishes to wash, clothes to wash and fold, I have to prep for a dinner tonight, pick up the dog and pick up my boyfriend. I want to do all these things though but I also want to do my art!!!

It is my fault of course that I cannot do anything art-related. I have been staying up at night crochet and prep for paintings yet I have not been able to do much in the day. My time management is on whack because I end up sleeping until eleven or sometimes noon because I feel like shit and I stay up late. Maybe the truth is I am unhappy. I don't know I can't put my finger on it. I wish I had a place where I could just go over and paint, it's all ready for me - my utopia room basically. It will not happen until I move out.

Uggh...I have a headache...

I must admit - I am a selfish person

UGGHHH!!! I am soooo selfish!!! I have to admit to myself that I am. No matter many times I put other people in front of my happiness or well-being....I am quite selfish. I talk about myself and I complain about things around me to others. It bugs me.

So let me repeat, although I am unselfish with some things, I am selfish when it comes to competing, to uhm....conversations? It's difficult to explain...whatever I am done! This is my dang blog I can say whatever the heck I want to! People have to be selfish sometimes! Uggh....

Frustrated =(

I am super frustrated. I'm not sure why I can't put my finger on it. Everything is annoying the hell out of me and I can't seem to stand being around people that expect things from me.

My feeling for schedules is like blaahh...maybe because my day did not start off great. I was so excited to go to yoga then I missed my bus. It went right by in front of my eyes and I had no choice but to go back to bed and feel like a fat ass. =(

Lately things are getting crazy and I can't seem to be happy. It's everything....and I just can't...understand what is going on. I know whatever is going on is normal, it's the fact that I am not in control. Control issues are getting in my face again...

Thoughtful...

So my parents are leaving for Guam on August 2nd. We have lost a family member. Although my brother's wife has been his ex-wife for I believe 2 years or so..maybe less I cannot remember, she has been there more for us than my brother has ever been. She passed away on the 27th of July. I feel guilty because I have to admit to myself I do not remember her that well. Unfortunately, this seems to happen a lot when it comes to the years at AAU, between 2005-2007. It is like my memory died...I feel like I was working too much and going to school mechanically so I cannot remember things outside of that. I am disappointed in myself that I do not have that many memories of my Ate Therese.

I do remember feeling like she was an amazing woman. My brother did not deserve to have such a strong woman as a wife. She was better than him, I know that sounds harsh but he really did not deserve a loyal woman like her. She was strong, not only mentally but also physically. She could hold her own, I will never forget that about her. Rest in peace, Ate Therese. Our family loves you so much and we will do the best that we can to take care of the kids. I hope you are happy wherever you are, because you have always deserved better. I am so sorry we were unable to give that to you.

I do not doubt that they have my Ate Therese's strength.

Honestly, I can only hope the kids are basically nothing like my brother and more like my Ate Therese.

hhm...

I have what is called trigger finger =( great...

Ow my hand =(

It's been a while since I have updated whoopsies =P

I am back from Chicago...and uggh..something is wrong with my hand. Whatever is wrong with my hand has just happened...this past Friday. I don't even know when it happened. Basically, a bone in my hand is protruding...it isn't broken! If it was broken I would not be able to move it, it is not swollen either!!

No clue what is going on...it isn't protruding like to the point you can see it but you can feel it and compare my left hand that it is a bone unusually popping out.

We will see....what is going on...my mom does not want me to go to the hospital either =P

Feeling like ANGRY poop!

Oh ya...I'm an angry poop because...well I would get into detail but I am too lazy!

Soooo....short story even shorter than what I was thinking of typing.

Why must we be so racially divided?

Feeling like poop...

Man...no wonder I haven't been able to wake up in the mornings. I have just been blessed with my period. =I

I feel like a pile of hot steaming poop at the moment. So uncool =( Lately in the mornings I have been wanting to sleep in. Of course one of the symptoms of my period is fatigue...intense fatigue. At the moment my brother & my mom have to go to Costco because 4th of July is at our house. I am in leggings with yoga pants over them, a long-sleeved shirt with a hoody over it. I am totally not feeling going out today. But we have to...because there are tons of things we must purchase for this lil shindig on Independence Day. So darn sleepy...

Proud of myself, at least I went to volleyball. I totally suck though...like I mean it I am like the worst player I swear...I suck...and I don't know how to get better =(

Selfish..

When can it be about me?

Why can't I be selfish?

Why am I always sorry.....for everything?

Do I really believe I mess up with every action I take?

With every decision?

Where is my so-called 'confidence'?

I am self-sacrificial to the point that it is unhealthy.

Where is that balance?

I try so fucken hard to make everyone happy....

but I am not....happy....

Wahh...yoga =(

here I am, 5am in the morning. I was hoping to have been on a bus on my way to the train station. but noooo...once I walked out of my house this morning the bus passed by 3 mins earlier and I thought hey sfmta.com trip planner claims there will be another one in about 10, why not wait??

I wait for 20 plus minutes and there still isn't any sign of a bus, I swear...though..I kept hearing it. Yet....no....bus. I didn't even realize 20 minutes had passed. At about 5:02 I walk back up my hill, yet I always looked back in hopes that a bus would arrive and I could run back. Nada...

so I am going back to bed, sad and disappointed my attempt at getting my butt over to yoga failed. Even if I would have been able to get on the bus a little bit after 5am, I would have had a horrible spot in the room and had been a bit too late to put on my contacts. Hopefully better luck tomorrow!

I am so angry right now...

I am so pissed and screwed right now.

I have registration today and I want to cry my fucken eyes out. My account has been disabled and no one is responding to my e-mails or calls to city college's corrections department. I am soooo angry....I don't know what to do, I can't breathe and I can't do anything right now but try and fix it. There is no possible way to though...I am pissed at myself...so pissed. I hate myself

=*(*****************

There is a saying that my Aunt from the PI used to tell me....

"You look ugly when you cry, so stop crying."

I cannot seem to stop crying and so....I am a very ugly person at the moment.....

Hhhm...

I'm such a boring person - or at least I think...

For some reason when I get nervous I turn red & my palms and feet get sweaty....too funny...

When I see myself in the mirror I imagine myself being super buff....thanks a lot broad shoulders...yet I have a belly - not cool!

When I drive I belt out "singing" because no one is usually in the car anyways...and I have horrible road rage which I try to hide from passengers...

I love being nude...

Sometimes I want to randomly talk to strangers about how good a certain color looks on their skin tone...

I am unsure why but I want a haircut, nothing crazy...a trim and some change would be nice

We were such different people @ the time...

I'm a bit teary-eyed...

As the year goes on, I realize we are different people from when we first met. I don't care about it though, I mean it effects us so deeply and I care about that. Yet I don't see why it would ever lead us apart.

Our first Christmas, to our second Beaujolais...I don't see how something so meaningless and what I consider harmless to ever get between us.

This is what I wish right now...

But you're at work and I am at home. -sigh-

Photo credit - former classmate

Gotta leave for yoga soon...

I am going to the noontime yoga. but for some reason I am soo not feeling well. My tummy is being weird like I gotta use the bathroom again...

The weekend was nice =)

It's weird I am so different from how I was a year ago. Life is weird...I do not feel so...I don't know. I can become unsure about things at times. Like now I have no clue what I am typing about. I feel spaced out! Life is definitely different now. It kinda freaks me out. HAHAA. I remember when I read about my zodiac sign, I am fearful of change. Uggh, that sure is true. Even now I am still freaked out by something that changed a long time ago. It's stupid! For example - not going to AAU - it's not like I want to go back, nor is it like I am going to go back...yet I still freak out over the idea that I never did! I confuse myself...

Things are good...I'm happy...=)

Things are good. I am not feeling so well but I am getting better! I was unable to make it to yoga this morning, which I feel pretty bummed about. I am planning to do my own little yoga session later today so I can meditate and calm my nerves for the weekend. I have a busy weekend!

Last night was sooooo delicious!!! I will be posting pictures later, and I'm sorry they are such crappy images of the food, my mom and I forgot our cameras. I forgot it because I had to rush my ass off to get ready since Ichigo had a vet appointment at 4:50, and I arrived back at my house around 6:15. That left me with only 45 minutes to get ready. It's funny because people think women take a long time, my dad came home around 5:50 and we finished getting ready at the same time. Anyhow, I was tired from last night because we left at 7pm to make a dinner reservation at 7:45 at my brother's former work. It is a resort in Menlo Park, I was glad because I was starving.

Anyhow, the resort was fancy filled with...well I don't want to go into details but well fancy rich people. The most diversity that you could see, was in the staff that ran the restaurant. My family, kinda stuck out, but you know what - it's okie! My brother and I are similar, I know it bugs him - the business that he is in is run by people who have all this money but does not have an idea in taste. They need chefs to put it all together yet they don't get paid the best wages in the world, I know it gets under his skin. I feel that way about many different things. For example teachers, they are the scholars of the world...yet they don't get paid well. They are not viewed as a professional job. It does not make a whole lot of sense, but that is the way things are.

Going on, the food was delicious. We stayed at the restaurant for I'd say a little less than three hours. The resort is beautiful, the design was amazing. It reminds me of when I was an interior design major. The designs would have been the most amazing watercolor preview images. Man...I walked around the resort stunned with the beauty and natural usage of candles, flowers, wood and the choice of furniture and lighting. I loved it. Some parts sucked but ya you need that too it seems, hahaha. Cannot suck all the money out of the project on every corner of the interior. I was so freaking tired when we left the resort. I made sure to stay awake so my brother would be able to drive home with someone to chat with.

And so I woke up this morning at 4:20AM and realized that it was too late to get ready for yoga and hop on the bus. I had a feeling I would not be able to make it. I drooled all over my pillow after going back to sleep. Deni woke me up with his call and that felt nice listening to his voice as I groggily pulled the phone to my ear =)

My neti pot is finally working!! I learned on Wednesday that I was doing it wrong. I am not supposed to use tap water, and nor am I supposed to do it at night. It is recommended in the morning, more like only do it then damnit. So today, after suffering from allergies that seemed to have gotten worse..the NETI POT actually naturally flowed through my nose without an issue! IT FELT WONDERFUL!!!!!!! I'm still have some allergy symptoms but I am sooo much BETTER! =) Yay =D

Ichi my cutie pie

Mornings in SF

I woke up at 4am in the morning to go attend yoga at 6am. I should have figured that it being Monday I should not have gotten up so early but I did not think and stuck with the same schedule that happened last Friday.

So I was early on schedule so I sat in the Van Ness station reading my Malcolm X book. A homeless person approached me and honestly he was sweet, I gave him $5 and he tried to have me put it in his hat I told him no, let me hand it to you. I will admit, before my Political Science class I would have ignored him but my heart has softened for people in poverty. He and I conversed so it wasn't like "I'll take your money and that's all I want from you!" We had a nice conversation and he said he did prison time and says life is a lesson in itself. He told me to be careful with what people say, he kept repeating to me that they all want you to follow them. I understand what he means, that can be applied to almost everything. What I got from it is it truly matters what you want and no one else.

He caught his train and the train driver ended up mouthing something to me with a smile. Then the funniest thing happened! I went up to the train driver and he opened his window said "Have a good day" I said thank you. I sat back down, he closed the window then he kept looking at me I smiled & waved. Then he blew me a kiss I laughed, pretended I caught it - like how my Lola / Grandma would do it. He smiled and put his hand on his heart it was bizarre. Made me smile and laugh!!!! It was a nice moment. People @ 4-5:30 in the morning are so freaking nice. The bus driver I had that took me to West Portal station was darn nice too! They are all willing to converse until those passengers that have a crab up their butt start coming around.

Okie, so this morning I did not have any problems with my throat. Although now I am having issues with my nose. My nose is stuffed right now and I even tried my neti pot and my nose was so badly stuffed and inflamed that the water was not able to pass through my other nostril. Right now I keep sneezing and having to blow my nose. This sucks =( I finally haven't woken up with a sore throat and my coughing attacks are minimal but NOW my nose can't stop leaking. =( It sucks....

V-ball & Neti Pot

I went to volleyball =D

Sure did - I enjoyed it, the people there are so freaking amazingly good!!!! This one guy's spikes were so fast it flew past me and I was way too slow to get it. But I swear I thought I had it! It's nice & challenging though. Anyhow, I love it that's all I can say since I am a bit too tired to go into more detail. I just love it and hope I can do it more often!

I bought a neti pot before I went to v-ball! I used it and so far I am feeling a little better, I can breath better. We will have to wait and see! People were saying they do it in the morning but I think I'd prefer night because that's when my allergies attack me the most. Sooo ya I hope I don't wake up with the worst allergies tomorrow morning!

I will be doing yoga tomorrow morning yay =)

Attempt @ beach landscape

The reason why I have all of a sudden been trying to paint and draw - SCHOOL IS OUT! =D I can spend more time doing my hobbies rather than studying my ass off to get As in school! Yesterday it was cool because I was aiming to draw & paint at Ocean beach. Instead I was able to see Michi, Alex, and Okami while drawing & painting at Crissy Fields' beach.

I am, of course, so damn rusty it's pathetic. I wish I was able to just be skilled again off the bat like I never left AAU, and was drawing every darn day...but that is not the case. I suck, I can't seem to draw straight lines or curves like it was second-nature. So here are my two paintings that I am not proud of but it is a good reminder that this will happen if I take a hiatus from drawing....

My first watercolor
Second....

I know it's small and the quality is horrible. Sorry bear with me the cell phone images are supposed to suck...I don't have an iPhone anymore. I have a Blackberry now. That's a long story I won't get into ahhaa...

Sorry, the paintings do suck...I will get better..I swear I will...I'm swearing to myself lol...

Thank you Took for inviting me out to the beach =D It was fun and it was great seeing you, Alex, Kami & Chiki Pea

Paintings on OVERLOAD

I rarely post images...so here are tons of past paintings that I would like to share.

My first hw assignment in Still Life Painting - I believe I took this class in summer 2008...this painting made me realize I'm not that bad at still life. My love for painting truly began to grow in this class. My paintings progressed the most thanks to Mr. John Wentz. I bet he thought I was the weirdest person in his class. I had accidentally dipped my hair into the turp and would talk about poop like it was an everyday thing, which is an everyday thing even though people are in denial =)! I remember that pooping in public restrooms became a "Donna thing." I truly miss him and being in his classes!

Well these are all from Mr. Wentz's classes. The oranges & 1 apple was when I did not attend one of the still life painting classes so I did my own in Vacaville, it was fun! The other 3 are from Mr. Wentz's Painting & Composition class.
Sorry about the bad images, it's cellphone pics!

Yes whoops, nudity is here. Hahaha...I love the nude body when I paint. Ya clothed figure is interesting to draw, but painting is amazing when it's the nude figure! I will only paint the nude figure. Here is the first hw assignment in Figure studies w/ Ernesto Nemesio in Fall 08'. I am pretty mad at myself because he was an amazing teacher but his style was very unlike my style. My paintings did not progress so much because of that, but I understood the figure more when I left that class. He was funny and I bet he thought I was a weirdo, I wanted to be more open in that class like in Wentz's class but the students were so boring. oops...hahah hope no one sees this from that class. Anyways, Ernesto was awesome, and his disheveled look was so freaking cool. And his talent was beyond words when it came to the figure. I miss him and Mr. Wentz as teachers. Those 2 teachers have both made great impacts in my painting experiences.

From the models of the Fall 08 Saturday with Ernesto Nemesio. I struggled, but I know I became a better painter.

This is a recent gouache painting I did of Ichigo. I gave it to Dennis for his birthday gift =)

Edit - Actually I take it back about the students in my Figure class. By the end of Ernesto Nemesio's class I made a few friends, and I was openly able to be the true person I usually am - open and free with my ideas and pretty upbeat! Happened a little bit too late though =P

Neti Pot?

All right, great I woke up with phlegm in my throat and in my nose. My allergies have made my cough even worse than it already has been. =(

I am now serious about the neti pot. It is funny because I was not even aware of how it worked but I can't help but believe that it works well when it comes to allergy symptoms. So I have researched more. Its origin is from India. Although it is bizarre to people and all the pictures is showing this...

photo credit - http://www.healingdaily.com/exercise/neti-pot.htm

It is the worse pic I have seen of it HAHAAHAHAH. But this is really what people are freaked out about it and I think the picture captures it the best. The water goes into one nostril and comes out of the other. I'm weirded out by it, of course I have never heard of it. And when I first tried any nasal spray I freaked out, but why not try something more natural. The liquid is a saline solution of 8oz water and 1/4 of salt. It's more natural, and seeing that many people who practice yoga find this normal is more comforting. It's a cleansing that has nothing to do with medications that stick around your body for a while. I find myself appealed more toward this kind of self-medication rather than pills. Although there are some things I know I cannot replace with more natural things. I will still be taking my allergy pills but no more nasal sprays for me if this neti pot works its wonders properly.

Going to pick me up a neti pot asap!

Yoga FIEND

Sooooooo this morning I woke up at 4AM to attend Yoga @ 6AM.

Unfortunately, it has been a year since I have attended yoga. Proudly, I stayed for the whole class. I will admit though I wanted soooo badly to get out of there during triangle pose. I don't necessarily hate that pose but it is a bitch to stay in. I actually picked up my water bottle to leave the hot room for a bit but thankfully it was time for the floor part and I laid on my back thinking that I HAVE to get myself through the class. It's worse when you leave the room, that's the last resort!! It is already difficult when you take a rest from doing poses because your body begins to cool down since you're static. After I laid there for the two-minute "dead" pose I felt refreshed and had a surge of energy that helped me get through the rest of class.

I love yoga. I am a yoga fiend! In yoga I feel mentally and physically strong and confident. There is something about it that makes me love myself whether or not anyone else does. I look at myself in that mirror and think who gives a shit of how I look outside this class. Yoga makes me healthy. My whole body, inside and out is cleansed. The times in class I look forward to is when the instructor opens the windows because it can get a bit too hot if there are many students attending. And yes at 6AM there are hella students. I always like being near a window, even when at Montgomery, which is now closed :(, I would be closest to the window. Although the window at Montgomery wasn't able to open, it was just a window for all to see HAHA. Actually that was another reason why I liked it, people would stare at you...weirded out and sometimes horny. And if the instructor knew they were staring she'd or he'd smile & wave and if they stuck around s/he would walk out and try to get them inside to join us. Hilarious. I love yoga...ya..hahaha I think we all get that point now.

Yup, so 1. window being opened

2. 2-minute "dead" pose (savasana) - obviously for reasons read in the previous paragraph. It's always that moment that you feel you want to give it all up. The poses before the 2-minute savasana quickens your heart rate so you are working and pushing your body to its limit. I was thinking I just spent more than $100+ for so and so amount of yoga classes and I cannot even get my ass to finish this one class. I couldn't do this to myself, plus if I leave I will miss out on all those benefits!!!

3. The closing breathing exercise. Those sharp breathes get you tingly all over when it's all done! It feels like your lungs sucked in pure clean Oxygen for the FIRST time! Then you lie down for your final savasana or corpse/dead pose and you feel relaxed like as though you have never worked out so much in your life. All your energy was spent in the most positive way imaginable. For that final savasana I'd have to say I am usually one of the last ones to leave.

I don't like the idea of having a hiatus from yoga. I know it has been a year since I have walked into the hot room. I cannot let another break take over my health and happiness. Yoga is such a positive aspect of my life I don't want to abandon it.

Job...or no job?

I want to apply for a job. I am debating though because I know a job is a heavy commitment.

There is this one job that is from noon to 5pm and only from Tuesday - Friday. Aww man...I don't know. I definitely do NOT want to do a retail job, or a food job. This is an office job. I have been wanting an office job for a while....

Hhhm, it would not hurt to apply right. HA! Next thing you know it I get the job, then what! Uggh..I don't know what to do...

Allergies =(

Yes I have allergies. Really bad now since I have basically denied myself of purchasing medicine. The doctor's (since I now have health insurance) gave me free samples and one worked really well and now they have gotten my body hooked on it. Since I refused to purchase the extremely expensive med my body is suffering more than before.

I'm trying to aim for a more...natural way to relieve my allergy symptoms. So I will attempt a neti pot that will supposedly clear out my nostrils and throat. I need to make sure I can find one in the first place. By what I have read online it's asking me to mix water and salt then insert the solution into my nose...then..uhm...i'm not sure then what. And it is recommended to do this three times a week. If it will help my coughing attacks I will feel much better. Plus if I leave this kind of thing untreated I will most likely get asthma. =( I am already having coughing attacks at night and difficulty breathing once an attack comes along. It worries me.

Anyways - the long weekend just passed and Dennis & I went to a wedding on behalf of my parents. We enjoyed aside from the fact that we didn't really know anyone except for the groom's parents. They were really sweet and spoke to us for a while, then when we attempted to leave they kinda made us stay. Very Filipino! They talked me into staying for another half an hr then we left on our merry way to our hotel to relax. Thank goodness we left when we did my feet were killing me. I was in heels for more than 5 hours. Not much to a few of you out there but seriously...it sucks after a while. I don't wear heels on a normal basis, I'll be honest I wish I had more reasons to.

Being a Filipino American woman...

I'm not that feminine. For all those guys out there who think a girl should slave over her looks I'm so sickened by your mindset. That is not fair, I don't ask men to shave their legs and armpits and expect them to wear make-up or pluck those eyebrows. I am so disgusted by these expectations! I will pluck my eyebrows and shave my legs when I want to. And when I walk around with no make-up I love my natural face, I don't paste on my face every morning so that I can compete with anyone.

I fucken hate this sometimes. It's so disturbing how the media has been stuck on what femininity is all about. I feel like the feminine movement has died. I don't like having people tell me how to look or what to do to look better because I am fine the way I am.

To hear especially that I don't look like a stereotypical Filipino girl is even more annoying. Am I supposed? What does a Filipino girl look like to you? Into the new trends by wearing lil sandals that look like they were inspired from Xena warrior princess? I don't look snobby enough for you? I look too much like I just woke up, what if I don't have time!? I'm not going to spend an hour and a half making sure I look good for SCHOOL. I swear words cannot even explain how disgusted I am. Then there is the issue of money. Women are worked on for profit by corporations for everything ranging from eyeliner pencils to plastic surgery. You're not pretty enough for the hot guy you have been eying, just slap on some fake BUTT pads, cover those blemishes, and get a boob job! Don't worry he will be into you soon...

AHhh!! It's frustrating, and people may think hey this is not happening to you - why worry, you seem so confident. Well let me tell you - I may seem confident but those ads and those words that circle me everyday wear me down. They like to demean you in those ads and give you a great solution. Bull....

Try being a woman sometime if you really want to know how I feel.

One final over - another reflection on my personality

English final was today. I felt pretty good about it. I read over it when I had finished up and it felt...well it felt great. Not like I think I will get an A but hopefully I will get at least a B and receive a final grade of a B! I think I feel great because that is one final over! =)

I realized that...well...I weird people out. Obviously I have known this fact for a while. Ever since I left the Academy I am trying to maintain the same personality I had when I was an Academy student. Yet...people are weirded out by my "strange" persona. I'm more verbally open than most about sex, sexuality, nudity, and flatulence. I can talk about these things and not feel...embarrassed until someone mentions that it is not cool to talk about it. That's when I feel more angry than anything because is it so bad to talk about my personal life...what else are we going to talk about? I kept my mouth shut after I felt this way...and I do not like that. I miss people who are more open about things...yet oddly enough more people in this school are more informed about other things such as political events and social awareness...Yet NOT aware of something simple, logical and to me normal! If they are so aware of political events such as what's going on in the gay marriage scene and believe they have the right to marriage and love then is it so wrong for me to admit the type of girl I'm into. They feel uncomfortable or they bombard me with Qs on my sexuality which I don't mind but they make it seem like they have never met someone bi before. Basically - I'm confused about how bizarre I am to people. What is normal? So what if I'm not normal...do I have to be?

stupid thermometer!!!

GREAT....failed again at making caramel. This time it was EVEN worse!!!

More BURNT! HORRIBLE! Tastes disgusting...i'm so pissed right now =(

I can't believe I have failed AGAIN. the stupid thermometer is the problem...I'm so pissed right now....at some point the thermometer stopped at 250 degrees, and then...it wouldn't move for like 6 minutes. And then I tilted the caramel syrup and it started rocketing to 275 quickly, then i placed it back normally and it was closer to 200 degrees. STupid shit....I'm so pissed...

Making caramel...

yup it is the truth, I am making caramel. Let's see how this batch goes. Second batch ever of making caramel.

The first batch was pretty bad, it's burnt and will not harden because I did it incorrectly DUH! The current batch is looking good. It isn't burning and it's slowly approaching 300 degrees Celsius. I think before my stove was too hot, so the temp skyrocketed to 300 that it just burnt! And I backed out of finishing steps because it was already ruined.

Hopefully this turns out better. Sadly I wasted a half of an organic vanilla pod, which costs $2.50. For two, I paid $10.

I am now at the 215 degree mark and I'm freaking out since it's getting browner every degree it raises....

Close to end of semester

I am so close to the end of the semester! All that has to be done is taking my actual finals! Then I can enjoy summer =)

Disappointed that I cannot take summer class though. But y'know what, I deserve a break. I am not really sure why I am writing this right now. I'm supposed to get things prepped. Man I still have to type up a cover letter for my English final. I've been pretty happy with my preparation for my finals. I need to push myself to get to my college's library now AHAHHA..let's hope I force myself to. Cannot enjoy the days off JUST YET. It sucks because I have a final this Friday, then I have a final next Thursday. That leaves Monday to Wednesday to study, I BETTER STUDY!!! Also on the weekend!! AHhh!! Gotta find a cafe to do some work in so I can just relax & focus!!!

HHm...

I do miss those times when Dennis & I would hang out in his car late at night. We would talk and look out at the beach, sometimes watching the sunset...

It sure is different, life can be so mundane and when it...isn't like how it used to be you're not sure what to expect. I expect something new, and it isn't...like that anymore. Things have to be set now that we have Ichigo, he has a job, we have obligations.

I'm spouting this stuff out of my ass.

Not necessarily thinking because I don't want to think too much about it. I want to let the information flow. I don't even have the funds to go out and pay for some entertainment & fun yet I'm picky about that even. I'm stuck thinking in my mind how I can more active in the community...yet I want to indulge in something other than school.

Avatar

So I succumbed and watched Avatar with my family.

Sure is frustrating because it's colonialism.

Saddening...

It is so political...and so true what colonialism is defined as...

Trying to stay focused...

So I now have...up to six journals, I only need to work on four more then I can summarize my trip through ESL coaching...then I am done! I can get it binded either Monday or even tomorrow.

I'm feeling frustrated about many things...being a woman is mainly what it revolves around. Today I bought a dress that I thought would look good on me..it does! Except for the fact that I have shoulders that look broad for my body type and my bad tan lines have worsened it. Lately I have been playing volleyball for four hours on Fridays, in my 2hr class and then 2hr peppering with classmates out in the sun. That's about to end...I enjoyed it so much, which is more like a side note because the point is I have been tanning in sports clothes. Sexy sport clothes mind you! HA ya right, my tan is HORRIBLE AND NOT SEXY. My face is a nice tanned brown with orange and pink hues to help my cheeks rosy on up, but with a tanned face comes tan lines from sunglasses. Must protect my eyes from the sun, I am the only who wears them it seems when we play outside...

I'm diverging - back to the point, my shoulders...so I'm not as muscular as I used to be, but I still have muscle definition. My shoulders look broad -the problem in one quick answer! It doesn't help that the dress is held upon my frame by these tiny little straps. I tried it on and will fix my hair so that it may cover the minuscule laces against my overly defined upper body. It's all a damn illusion, evil illusion!!! AHHHHHhhh!!!!! And I thought I was pretty getting all waxed OUT! I get so frustrated being a female. I mean really...is that what I need to do to be beautiful? What A BITCH!!!! I won't rant...I'll save my I hate being female because of the media and society for a different day, I'm tired and still need to work on my final project. Must keep focused...

Tiiiirrreeeddd but gotta keep working...

All right, I am almost done with school.

I have a final project due this coming Tuesday and I still have an assignment to do for Monday.

I have read twenty chapters of Honor & Duty by Gus Lee, actually twenty-one chapters, for my English class. I got into the story while getting my nails done and went over one chapter of what was originally required. Shit if you give me time I'd be done with the book by Monday! The assignment due this coming Monday only deals with the required chapters so I can't overload my mind ...

The project due Tuesday is my final project for Political Science. For the past ten weeks I have been volunteering at the downtown campus coaching ESL students. I've been enjoying it a lot, sadly last Wednesday was my last day =(. That's why I baked those cookies in the previous post. Damn they all went QUICK and I was left with no cookies, which I think was a very good thing =) I'll miss the students, they were so inspired to learn - it inspired me to teach!!! And so...I am positive about being a teacher. Anyways back to my final project, I needed to do a journal entry for each day I attended my ESL class. Ya..I think I have like..4 done..yikes..not good.

Yess I'm stresssseeedd. I am sooo looking forward to having school BE FINISHED and the summer to roll on by. Although I am taking summer classes - heh...ya not so relaxing. Maybe just one class, I have to take one at least...we'll see how it goes!!!

Homestretch to the end of the semester HERE !!!

going to bed now....

I'm pretty pooped, I've been baking all day. Well not really - more like...majority of the day...

Tomorrow is my last day volunteering to help students learn the English language. I finished baking cookies for them just now....

Ya I'm sad...but I'm also excited because they are getting to credit classes! I'm really tired so I'm going to sleep now. I have to wake up in....less than 6 hours.

I...don't know what's going on....

This sucks....

That's all I can type right now...

Pissed & sleepy

I don't think being pissed and sleepy are really a good combo. I've been annoyed easily lately, i can imagine it's because my dot is almost done and I am pretty stressed.

Sometimes I don't know how to deal with it. It isn't a nice feeling when almost every aspect of your life won't let you relax. You try your hardest to keep up with everything, and once you let yourself take a break you end up regretting it bc you start to think of all the shit you should have been doing!

I had spring break last week yet I had no time and things weren't as productive as I hoped for...I think I'm an idiot...

Treasure....

I have found someone sooo amazing....I love her work...never knew I was admiring such a wonderful artist.

BEAUTIFUL...

http://www.audrey-kawasaki.com/index.php

I think I'm weird...

I wonder sometimes what other people think of me.

I don't usually feel this way but ever since leaving AAU I think about it. I don't think I'm just curious. I think it is most likely the fact that I don't know these people, yet they are constantly in my life but are not friends.

For example, the people upstairs from Dennis. We don't know each other personally yet we talk...and I don't know..I talk to them about stuff when we see each other.

Obviously I think about Dennis' family when I think of something like this. I unno! It was just a thought.

Photo by Dennis <3

An Easter Scare

So yesterday I accompanied Dennis' family to church. We rode in different cars, Dennis his brother, Kenneth, and I were in one car and the rest of his family in the other. We arrived back at his parents' house first, finding Ichigo had ruined some things.

I was pissed at him, and Dennis pointed out that there was something in the formal living room that was ruined. As his brother went to go check that out, I noticed there was something scattered on the closet floor. Usually that door is closed. I found blue kibble on the floor, it was rat food covered in poison. His brother told us that Ichigo pulled out the rat poison from the closet, tore up it's paper container and may have consumed some. Ichigo was acting normal, jumped on us when we entered. Dennis told me t0 immediately call Animal Care Control in Vacaville, it was a recording. I feared no one would be open on Easter Sunday but with the recording came the emergency vet clinic number in Solano. I called the emergency number and told them our dog got into rat poison and we don't know how much he has consumed. I ran upstairs to grab his leash and etc, when I ran back downstairs Dennis was crying. I knew I couldn't cry, if I cried then we'd be too emotional to know what the hell to do!

I was so thankful the Emergency Clinic was open. We brought Ichi right away and the rat poison. His brother vacuumed the living room and we told him we would come back. I could tell he was worried, we all were. It was a 20 minute ride but Ichigo was fine. They induced vomiting via IV and he threw up blue crap everywhere (we wanted to see it, but they already threw it out). Although they are not sure how much he ate and not sure if he absorbed any at all, just in case we were given an antidote - Vitamin K. After they informed us he was fine, I began to cry.

Thinking about losing Ichigo was something I refused to think about. I didn't want to think of it any time earlier - that isn't really who I am. Unless something, I know, is wrong with him and there is no use in helping him - I'd accept it. Having my rats made me realize how to cope with their death and life...

I don't ever want to lose Ichigo, I never wanted to lose any of my pets. I only feel it's best when it's the best for them. It's not time for Ichigo just yet...

I am so thankful to God for keeping him safe.

Miserable

Every freaking night I feel miserable. Maybe this is what the night does...

Once I think of what to write it feels like a stupid situation - like what happened to me doesn't even matter, it's all just crap. But every damn situation stirs my emotions a different way...it bugs me to the most inner part of my soul. I get so angry that things effect me so much. I can't live my life thinking that I should not care. Yet I try to pretend that I don't care. That doesn't really work either.

I wish that once I spoke to someone about my problems they would go away. Obviously if it was that easy, I would not be typing all this. People just say it'll be ok, I want things to be ok - of course - but once again it is not that easy. I don't think I'm an anti-social person...I don't think I can survive being alone, not because of who I am I think it's a human characteristic. I think people need other people, it's a natural thing. I view things of this world - mainly what humans have created - make people more divided. Although globalization and technology have connected countries more than 1,000 miles away from each other doesn't mean that we are MORE CONNECTED to them. If anything...we are all becoming more distant from each other than we ever have been in history. Think about it from my perspective....but then again...i'm so far disconnected from people now...and they are so into their technology and own life...most likely no one will care.

Love...

Love isn't something I like to write about. Lately though, I've been feeling immense love for my boyfriend, Dennis. It could be just the fact that I am certainly emotional for the arrival of my dot.

Also the recent situations have a lot to do with it, it's been a tough time to accept that I will be living in my house for the next few years. It sounds silly when I type it but really it isn't something I had accepted (yes I was in denial).

Every time there are changes I always know he has been there for me. Sometimes we argue, of course, that's what comes with being in a relationship. It's wonderful though, because we have our ups and downs...and we always find each other after it all.

Quite disappointed

Today was a disappointing day.

My plans for leaving to Sacramento have turned into a pathetic little idea that never really had a chance to become reality. I'm stuck, I hate myself and the decisions I have made in the past. Now I am here, sitting in my room in San Francisco staring at a computer typing out my thoughts, frustrations and dreams.

I cried today, just like how I cried last night. It does not change, no matter how many times I cry. Life is a bitch, life is not like what they tell you when you're young. You cannot be what you want to be. You cannot make it in life. You may as well be a whore and hope to not die from a disease. You still...will die from something - no matter a whore, a businessman, or a construction worker.

Disappointing, life is a fucken disappointment. I try to find the things that make me happy - my puppy, my mom, brother, and dad hanging out in the kitchen, my boyfriend and I at his parents' house with his family...

But I am always reminded how those memories fade so easily and the honest truth is that I rarely get to see my whole family in the kitchen together, I rarely get to be with my boyfriend and his family in the same room either, and I think of how Ichigo, Dennis and I barely get to be in the sunlight together. It's depressing, it's difficult..and still I pretend maybe...maybe things will get better. Then I cry....and try to be more positive after the tears dry......

I'll admit...

Picture Credit: classmate of mine at the time...

Looking back at some photos...I admit I miss how things were back then when it came to my classes.

The first time being in a class that I felt like I belonged. I only knew people at a sort of arm's length. I didn't know their lives that well - we just knew we had class together and that was it - that's all that mattered to us. We would critique each other's work - not each other's lives...

-sigh-

I'm lazy & tired

I have cleaned my room for about 45-1 hr. And it still is not clean as I hoped for. Lately I have been sulking in a depression that I can't put my finger on. Maybe it is because of this weather and I'm stuck doing shit that I don't want to do.

School has been a bore, I have a midterm next week - Tuesday & Thursday for my political science class. I have not been prepping for it, instead I have fallen asleep in the library during a 3 hour break.

I've been craving to leave SF - and it's getting worse as days keep coming. I miss working - I miss doing art. I don't have time...I don't have fucken time...

I have been stressed because I can't get myself to do my stupid prep for midterm. If I fail - I know why...