It is not easy to admit that I compare myself to whoever I set my eyes on that is a woman. It is something I am not proud of and I wish I did not do. The moment that I see a woman I immediately contemplate on who she is by the way she is acting, moving or what she is saying. I then turn it around and think to myself would I be acting, moving or saying the same words, and in what context if I was to do so.
It bugs me because it is not something I think of as a habit. But it happens every moment I view myself as threatened by the person in any sort of way. Whether it be the idea that she's prettier than I or if I think she is more intelligent. Then I pick out the flaws...it is an evil mindset that has been created through insecurity. Of course I feel insecure - I am a super fragile being. Ridiculously sensitive. I remember the first time anyone had ever told me I was overly sensitive. I remember getting so pissed off because I did not even know what sensitive meant! I was...I believe 6 years old, in like...2nd grade I believe. I think I even cried to my mom while pushing out the words between sobs "What is she calling me? Sensitive?"
Yes, I am sensitive. I take most...if not everything at heart. Hey - I said I am sensitive, I admit it. I admit to all these things. What I think makes it worse...I admit these things yet I cannot seem to accept it. I try so hard to change myself, why is that? Honestly, I don't know why...is that supposed to be the point of my life? To go against who I am, so that I can be happier with changing myself? Am I that stubborn that I will not change who I am even though I want to. I so badly want to get out of my mindset of taking things to heart and immediately acting upon anger.
Anger - that is one of the worst issues with my personality. I can get super pissed and it is rare because for some reason I tend to re-channel my energy from being fucken angry to pitiful and blaming myself. I will be honest right now, if I stayed angry I think I would be in jail right now or badly injured from a car accident. Anger is something I need to deal with...even if I have to just yell my lungs out, I'd prefer to release it that way than any other possibility.
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I feel as though I should comment on this, mainly because I've never quite felt this sentiment exactly. I suppose I generally love women who are beautiful just cause they're fun to look at. It's not till they seem bitchy that I decide they're ugly.
ReplyDeleteOr people who are hideous and only decent looking cause of makeup...
Ok yeah, so off topic. :P
I meant *shouldn't
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