My plans for leaving to Sacramento have turned into a pathetic little idea that never really had a chance to become reality. I'm stuck, I hate myself and the decisions I have made in the past. Now I am here, sitting in my room in San Francisco staring at a computer typing out my thoughts, frustrations and dreams.
I cried today, just like how I cried last night. It does not change, no matter how many times I cry. Life is a bitch, life is not like what they tell you when you're young. You cannot be what you want to be. You cannot make it in life. You may as well be a whore and hope to not die from a disease. You still...will die from something - no matter a whore, a businessman, or a construction worker.
Disappointing, life is a fucken disappointment. I try to find the things that make me happy - my puppy, my mom, brother, and dad hanging out in the kitchen, my boyfriend and I at his parents' house with his family...
But I am always reminded how those memories fade so easily and the honest truth is that I rarely get to see my whole family in the kitchen together, I rarely get to be with my boyfriend and his family in the same room either, and I think of how Ichigo, Dennis and I barely get to be in the sunlight together. It's depressing, it's difficult..and still I pretend maybe...maybe things will get better. Then I cry....and try to be more positive after the tears dry......
Why is the move not going to turn out?
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